When SIN Looks More Enjoyable Than GOD...

"I can't get no satisfaction, I can't get no satisfaction,
Cause I try and I try and I try and I try, I can't get no..."
 The Rolling Stones in 1965

EARLY SATISFACTION
I remember the 1960's with fondness...

I was the third born of four children.  My father was a home builder, and as such, built us a modest home in Surrey, BC.  My entire childhood memory has this split-level contemporary home as the backdrop for the first two decades of my life.

Although money must have been tight, I don't remember lacking anything we needed.  There was always enough food to eat, and clothes to wear. From year to year, a variety of above ground pools cooled us during the hot days of summer sun, and in the winter, our living room hosted a large fireplace that would make my chilled, wet body toasty warm in seconds.

Some of my warmest memories are from Christmas... sitting under ours brightly lit tree, glowing with a rainbow of colors, and pouring over the Sears Wish Book which was faithfully delivered to our front door each year.  "If only I could get that Air Hockey set or this GI Joe action figure," I would tell myself.

I would sit there for hours, pouring over every glossy photo of every page... "Ahhh, If only I had this toy or that game... well, it would be the best Christmas ever!" I would whisper.  Little did I know, I was sowing seeds for future discontent.

GROWING DISCONTENT
1960's were turbulent years...

It was a decade when our country's moral foundation was being tested. The nation's youth were being raised on a diet of radio and TV promises: Everything from brushing with Colgate will make you every girl's dream date, to serving a cup of Mountain-Grown Foldger's will keep your man home, happy, and content.

Many of America's first immigrants came here so they could worship the true God of the bible.  (Our nation's founding documents are filled with the evidences which substantiates my claim!) 

However, by the 1960's, America was many generations away from this founding truth, and over the decades, had lost their love and pursuit of their Creator.  They had replaced their desire to pursue and love God with a passionate pursuit of the created.  Some went after fancy clothes, fast cars, and other must have stuff... while others took the pathway of sex drugs and rock and roll.  Both found themselves in bondage to the thing they had hoped would satisfy... the truth is, IT NEVER DOES!

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE
The multimillionaire, John D. Rockefeller, was once asked the question, “How much money is enough?” He answered quite transparently, “Just a little bit more.” In other words, “I will never have enough.”

"[In the Bible], Paul calls this covetousness, a disordered love or desire, loving more than God what ought to be loved less than God and only for the sake of God. But covetousness is the condition that this disordered heart is into, an act of loving too much what ought to be loved less. And that is why the wrath of God is coming. That is what idolatry looks like today. And it is everywhere in our culture.

So Paul puts it like this in Romans 1:25. They exchange the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature. Anything that is created rather than the creator. But there is no wrath for the children of God. And why is that? Because Paul said in 1 Thessalonians one: You turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God and to wait for his Son from heaven whom he raised from the dead, Jesus who delivers us from the wrath to come. So when we turn to Christ from idols we escape the wrath of God because he is for us. God is for us in Christ on the cross." John Piper [more]

"So many people have this Book [the Bible] all wrong. They think it’s just a list of rules. A bunch of dos or don’ts. They think it’s religion. That has never been God. Understand, this has always been about a relationship. It’s always been about love. This is the most romantic love story you will ever read in your life. It’s about a Creator who is so filled with love that He points to you and says I want you.  

From the very start it’s been about a love relationship with God. God’s greatest command is “love me.” It’s not “do this, do that.” With all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your mind. Everything that’s in you. All the passion within you would you just direct it towards me and lets just be in love. And don’t turn it into anything else."  Francis Chan

In the video below, Francis Chan delivers one of the clearest messages on what this Christian stuff is all about.. and why I believe what I believe!  It's not a short clip... it's 45 minutes long.  I would encourage you to plan a time when you can watch or listen to it in its entirety.  But please take the time to view it!

If you don't see the video above, click the link below

WHEN SIN LOOKS MORE ENJOYABLE THAN GOD...

The Fraud picked us clean, swindled us
    of what our ancestors bequeathed us,
Gypped us out of our inheritance—
    God-blessed flocks and God-given children.
We made our bed and now lie in it,
    all tangled up in the dirty sheets of dishonor.
All because we sinned against our God,
    we and our fathers and mothers.
From the time we took our first steps, said our first words,
    we’ve been rebels, disobeying the voice of our God.”
from Jeremiah 3 The Message

Helplessly Hopeful...

"Only one life, ’twill soon be past..."

When I was a boy, I used to have a reoccurring dream that I was stuck to train tracks by some unknown force... My legs were lead, and struggle as I may to free myself, I couldn't move... It was a helpless feeling.

Today, my battle is more than just a dream... when I am in Parkinson's strongest grip, my childhood dream becomes a reality, and my legs REALLY ARE LEAD... and, I'm REALLY FROZEN IN PLACE... my emotional steam can build so quickly... and, depending on the pressure of the moment, well, I'll freak out...

In the middle of the night, I often listen to the book of Romans. Chapter 7:18b, defines my struggle...

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."

As frustrating as this battle for doing the right thing is, I commit to never giving up... and, as I fail again and again... to ask for God's forgiveness, for he is my hope...

"Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it... What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans7:20-25)

CT. Studd (1860-1931) Charles Thomas Studd was an English missionary who faithfully served His Savior in China, India, and Africa. His motto was: "If Jesus Christ is God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him." ONLY ONE LIFE, 'TWILL SOON BE PAST ​“Two little lines I heard one day, Traveling along life’s busy way; Bringing conviction to my heart, And from my mind would not depart, Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last. Only one life, yes only one, Soon will its fleeting hours be done; Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet,

And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,
Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave,
And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,
Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill,
living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore,
When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way,
Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,
And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone,
Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call,
I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”

https://www.google.com/search?q=When+did+CT+Studd+write+only+one+life?&rlz=1C1CHBH_enUS792US795&sxsrf=AOaemvJsHwzpIOQdOSJyR20a7J-ch_Kswg:1630173085738&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=RykpUWlGfd174M%252CBsrwXAnLtwdJWM%252C_&vet=1&usg=AI4_-kREc-3_1NPptED2pCdu_cps5x742w&sa=X&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwjagMr9o9TyAhWQq5UCHZUpBucQ9QF6BAgPEAE#imgrc=RykpUWlGfd174M C.T. Studd

When I am afraid...

My Grandson, Jack... Receiving sage advice!

When I was just a wee little lad of 5, I would ride down the neighborhood hill on my brother's 10 speed by stepping UNDER the cross bar... I remember feeling pretty cool, fearlessly speeding down the gravel hill with arms and legs over, under, and through an adult-sized bike frame... foolishly without brakes!

Fast forward 50 years... I've slowed down dramatically... and my ability to do anything "fast" or "fearless" has all but vanished.  I find myself retreating from conversations because it's just so difficult to talk these days... and when I do try to say anything, I'm either not understood or misunderstood... I often feel locked up inside, wanting to escape this prison called Parkinson's Disease...

I long to give a word of encouragement (or correction) to those closest to me, but the words get all jumbled up inside. I've relied on my physical body for 55 years, only now to have it double cross me when I need it most.

And yet, as I decline, a greater expectation and hope emerges before me... God's promises are true, and there is nowhere that my failing body, nor my weakening mind, can take me that's outside of His presence and His kindness... (Psalm 139:7-8)

Frustrating, painful, confusing... and yet, somehow mysteriously peaceful... 

My sweet mom taught me the following song when I was very young...

When I am afraid, 

I will trust in You, 

I will trust in You,

I will trust in You.

When I am afraid, 

I will trust in You,

In God's Word I trust.

I find it thought-provoking that something I learned at 5 is still true at 55!  My worst fears may lie ahead, but not without a greater, richer, and ever more joyful life in Christ!

The watches of the night (Kristyn Getty)
I look towards the wintering trees
To hush my fretful soul
As they rise to face the icy sky
And hold fast beneath the snow
Their rings grow wide, their roots go deep
That they might hold their height
And stand like valiant soldiers
Through the watches of the night

No human shoulder ever bears
The weight of all the world
But hearts can sink beneath the ache
Of trouble's sudden surge
Yet far beyond full knowing
There's a strong unsleeping light
That reaches round to hold me
Through the watches of the night

I have cried upon the steps that seem
Too steep for me to climb
And I've prayed against a burden
I did not want to be mine
But here I am and this is where
You're calling me to fight
And You I will remember
Through the watches of the night
You I will remember
Through the watches of the night

Satisfied with Nibbling?

2011 Christmas Day feast with all the trimmings!

“If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”  ~ John Piper  Hunger for God



Of all the questions I ask myself... "WHY doesn't God show up and heal me?" is probably the biggest... especially, when my cherished roles as husband, father, provider, counselor, friend...  are all compromised by this elephant sitting on my chest... this burden of Parkinson's Disease.  Its weight can be so oppressive in the middle of the night, when I'm awakened by my need for more medicine (or less electricity)... fumbling with this small controller that I can't see (which, BTW, was designed by a mad scientist)... aargghhh!

But then it hits me...

That still and quiet sense that God is allowing me enough external pain to be dissatisfied with the side dishes of success, health, family, relationships, etc...  but to actually sit down and enjoy this feast's main course... knowing Him more! He has spread before me this small trial, which seems at times to be so huge... yet, it continues to re-focus my longing to know God more...

"Everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness. I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering..."  ~ Philippians 3:9-10 (The Message)

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long,“Where is your God?”

These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. ~ from Psalm 42 (NIV)

“Oh Father, I want us to be swallowed up in this Psalm. Not that it’s a happy place to be. But to learn how to be in an unhappy place... that is what we need. And this Psalmist does it... so well. He is miserable... so well. I want You to teach Your people how to be struck down... well. How to be in turmoil... well. How to be downcast... well. How to have waves break over them... well. And the Psalms, and this one in particular, is so well suited to help us."  ~ John Piper (from his opening prayer on a message from Psalm 42) 

I Can't Make It On My Own...

Going through Hell? Someone's always watching...

I pride myself on being pretty tough.  

In my early 20's, I had all 4 impacted wisdom teeth extracted one afternoon, and then played a evening of full-court basketball... all, without pain meds... (yes, my mouth continued to fill with blood as I played.)  There are many times I simply worked through a cold or a flu ...even with high fever present...

But now, on day three of my "cold turkey" ending of a drug called Amantadine, I'm at my end... the overall pain, stiffness, and uncontrollable movements are the worst I've ever experienced... but, worst of all, this drug has messed with my mind so bad that I feel worthless... 

No way God can use me in this state... right?  Well, I'm learning that God is often speaking the loudest to others during my roughest times of pain and despair...

My sister Dawna sent this to me today...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Ken Cardell - Kansas
Date: Thu, Mar 31, 2011 at 3:11 PM
Subject: short story I promised
To: Dawna Austin - Canada

Hey Dawna,

O.K. I promised you a story that kinda falls in the “small world” category.  I guess that goes along with the “small brain” blog that Merv so amazingly maintains.

You know I heard about you from my good buddy Brent Bishop whom forwards my posts around to his prayer partners.  He told me how amazing you are and some of your struggles.  From that, I emailed you once and you wrote me back.  From that, I learned about Merv and his blog and signed up to get his updates.  I have even watched his 2 minute video about how he updates his blog.  Amazing!  I am touched by both of you and feel honored to be a fellow sufferer in the Lord with both of you.  But, that’s not why I am writing.

On March 23^rd, Merv posted about being in Seattle for tests and how important it is to have a companion (wife) that has stuck by his side “in sickness and in health til death do us part”.  He was just grateful that Dorrie meant it when she vowed that.  I too, have often watched Connie as she sleeps and pray she may always find such peace.  As you know, I meant my vows too and I agree with Merv when he said, “you'll never know how precious a strong marriage is until you need it the most... “

Well, on March 23^rd , the day Merv posted - Connie and I were at the clinic.  We have a pretty drive each day and go thru a nice quaint neighborhood.  One stretch of our drive goes past a golf course and has these cool “cottage type” houses on the other side.  I told Connie, “Hey, guess who just bought one of these houses along here?”  She said, “Who?” And I told her. 

Just then, we saw this same friend out in the yard working on his renovation.  We pulled over and honked and he ran to the car.  He loves Connie and he held her hand as he said a prayer for her and told her she would beat this again.  He said she was a “warrior woman!”  This friend and I have been friends for over 25 years.  We even served on an Elder board together for 5 years back in the 80’s and we’ve watched our kids grow up and find spouses.  We have many many amazing “God Stories” that we have shared.

Back to Merv.  I read Merv’s blog and was admiring his commitment with Dorrie about marriage.  Then he said he sang a song with Dorrie at his wedding and he wrote down the words…Let us climb this hill together???  My jaw almost dropped to the floor...

Well, the artist is my buddy… PAUL CLARK!! 

Paul travels all over the world singing and doing concerts so, to see him in his yard on March 23rd is amazing in the first place.  Then, to see him on the very same day Merv posted is another amazing thing.  Who would have connected these Canadian/Kansas dots??? 

Anyway, just wanted to tell you.  I see it as a sign that God is knitting his Kingdom together even now and we shall all be great friends when we meet Him in the air.  All of us!  God Bless you Dawna and please tell Merv his blog is touching people way beyond what he would ever think or ask for. 

Ken

P.S.  I’ll tell Paul about this too when I see him next… I’m sure he will be touched.  Love ya.

Ken, thank you... your "Short Story" is what I needed tonight...

So friends, If you are presently going though hell, it's not by "chance" that you are where you are... your every circumstance is being allowed by a sovereign God who loves you.  And, others are watching just how tough you are... and often what they will remember (and ultimately follow) is who you turn to for strength when you run out of your own.

In these unbearable days, I cry out to Jesus... He's all I have left... and, if your at the end of your strength, He's all you have left also...

Jesus’ Prayer of Thanksgiving

At that time Jesus prayed this prayer: “O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise and clever, and for revealing them to the childlike. Yes, Father, it pleased you to do it this way!

“My Father has entrusted everything to me. No one truly knows the Son except the Father, and no one truly knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.”

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:25-30

Mean or Nice?

"Mean or Nice?"

First, thanks for your prayers... I absolutely tie ANY of my physical improvements to your heavenward petitions on my behalf.  Many of you have told me that you (or your children) pray for me daily... again, thank you!

Now, more than ever, my medicine regime needs to be closely monitored, as variations in meds and/or other factors can bring on brief times of moderate depression. The variables appear to be amount of sleep, the amount of stress I am under, the effectiveness of the PD drugs to deliver the correct chemical balance to my nervous system, and most importantly whether the Blazers win or lose (just kidding).  From what I can deduct, I appear to have a 3 to 5 day cycle in which I can go from the mountain top to the dark valley below and back.

Depression is quite a new experience for me... one that has been hard for me to imagine what it must feel like UNTIL I have now experienced it for myself.  I've never have had to deal with oppressive feelings to this degree every before... and as such, I have a new compassion for those who struggle with depression long term.  Thankfully, I have an understanding wife, and we talk and pray through these brief dark times until we are safely on the other side.

Have you ever thot about how difficult it is to write coherently about how you brain is slipping when it's that very same slipping brain doing the writing? Hard to be objective (at least I think it is...)  During a recent coherent moment, I wrote a note to some dear friends explaining how I feel... Dorrie thot it would be good to share with you all... so here it is:

Dear Lisa and Dick,

I wanted to express my thanks for your kindness over the past few years... whether it was simply the times you were flexible to give Colton a ride back to your house when needed, or the many times you have gone beyond and extended yourselves otherwise, even financially... thank you!

When Colton was much younger, he was fascinated with guns and loved playing "mean or nice" with people.  Like any good homeschool parent, Dorrie and I taught him responsible toy gun ownership; to shoot only "mean" people with his toy gun!  Colton would ask us many times through the day whether we were "mean" or "nice".  Of course, I was mostly nice.  But sometimes, much to Colton's delight,  I was "mean"... and the inevitable consequence of being "mean" was an invisible bullet to the chest.

In my battle with Parkinson's Disease, I'm mostly nice... but, fighting "Parks" (the mean guy, as named by Dorrie) can leave me exhausted and in debilitating pain.  Many times throughout the day I'm unable to speak with enough clarity to be understood.  I can sometimes "push through" and find maybe 60 seconds of social grace, but no more... then, it's as if a 10 second fuse is lit  and I find myself quickly withdrawing from conversations to the safety of being alone.  Any delay in my retreat often produces an awkward moment for all...

Tonight, when I picked up Colton, I was doing quite poorly (if I appeared otherwise, it was only a temporary burst of God's grace!)  Thus, your genuine and thoughtful questions were quickly answered by "Parks" before "I" (the nice one) could answer.  Predictably, when I got in the car I could not speak clearly enough to be understood even by Colton.  I found myself yet again, driving home inside a body locked in silence, longing for the once possessed ability to connect with a teenage son needing his dad.

Yet, somehow through all of this God is good... And I trust Him to make up the lack where I fail as husband, father, and friend.

Hopefully, this explanation helps you have a greater understanding of this complex disease... please don't feel awkward or feel like you need to do anything different next time... and when you see me distancing myself from conversation, it's only because "Parks" overpowers me and drags me away...

Thanks again, dear friends... your prayers are cherished.  Know that I'm praying for God's grace and peace to be your daily bread.

Trusting in Him,

Merv

An earlier post contains this video which attempts to portray how it feels like to battle the "mean" guy named "Parks".  You can watch it here. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Again, thank you for your continued prayers...

Merv 

PS... sorry for the poor object lesson on who it's OK to shoot.  In the above letter, the simplistic "good guy, bad guy" world seldom exists in real life.  Telling our toddlers it's OK to shoot "bad" guys in play should probably be re-thought, or at least clarified, in today's shooting-crazy world...

OK Lord, remind me again... Why suffering and pain?

LITTLE BRAIN THOTS

Ah, I remember being in that guy's
 body... say where did it go?

This has been a difficult night... So stiff and achy... Waking up 3 times throughout the wee hours of the night feeling paralyzed and alone... So easy to play victim of my circumstance, rather than looking to God.  Help me to love you more Father, and to make a difference today in someone else... Amen.

BIG BRAIN THOTS
"Though my natural instinct is to wish for a life free from pain, trouble, and adversity, I am learning to welcome anything that makes me conscious of my need for Him. If prayer is birthed out of desperation, then anything that makes me desperate for God is a blessing." Nancy Leigh DeMoss, A Place of Quiet Rest

"God uses suffering to purge sin from our lives, strengthen our commitment to him, force us to depend on grace, bind us together with other believers, produce discernment, foster sensitivity, discipline our minds, spend our time wisely, stretch our hope, cause us to know Christ better, make us long for truth, lead us to repentance of sin, teach us to give thanks in time of sorrow, increase faith and strengthen character." Joni Eareckson Tada

"Perhaps the way your or I hold up under suffering may be instrumental in the conversion of someone who in turn brings up his family in the fear of the Lord, so that his daughter's son becomes the next Whitefield, Spurgeon or Carey or Wilberforce. There comes a time when by rereading the Scriptures it dawns on us that God frequently utilizes small acts of faithfulness in the context of deep misery to bring forth blessing we could not possibly have asked for, but would have been happy to suffer for it." DA Carson, How Long O Lord

"The men who have done the most for God in this world have been early on their knees. He who fritters away the early morning, its opportunity and freshness, in other pursuits than seeking God will make poor headway seeking Him the rest of the day. If God is not first in our thoughts and efforts in the morning, He will be in the last place the remainder of the day." E.M. Bounds

Learning to love suffering (again)

I've come to realize that my pity parties are never profitable, 
and the sooner I turn them around, the better...

A POEM BY MARGARET SNELL NICHOLSON
(a "mendicant" is a beggar)

    I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne
    And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own
    I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
    I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
    This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."
    He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."
    I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
    As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
    I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
    He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face

When I posted this recently, I received this email in response:

"Such a romantic thing, to be able to be as she was... but is it even possible to get there?  I struggle so greatly with my life.. the pain, the constant loss. The feeling like I'm in a bubble and the rest of the world continues on... the emotional struggles of those around me in trying to deal with this new lack of function.  It's hard on not just me.   Do you think this can happen for everyone?  Can we all can get to the place she is at?" 

Here is my reply:

Yes, Sis, it is a road, but more than that... as you know, I'm so exhausted by noon every day, that I fall asleep... but when I wake up, most of the time I'm depressed rather than rested... I've always been so productive... but not any more...  I can be so hard on myself that I'm a pain to be around.

However, I've come to realize that my pity parties are never profitable, and the sooner I turn them around, the better... 

Philipians3:8-21  I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things (our sense of what we've lost due to our illnesses.) I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ— the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. [Sis], I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Join with others in following my example, [sis], and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

 I always need to remind myself that in my loss, I've gained something so much better!

Get up Morpheus, get up!

So you may have heard by now... We are scheduling for Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) and stem cell harvesting as early as December 9th...  almost there, yet something about me is wrong; very wrong...

I'm told that my progressive
PD symptoms will eventually
push family and friends away...

Something has snapped... Something deep inside... Hard to express... but it feels very dark and lonely... a place of grieving and loss... I'm so grieved at the loss of feeling like "me"... grieved at not being able to serve you, my family and friends as I so desire...


I'm weak... and I feel it's toll on who I am... with great pain and sorrow, we all watch in disbelief as "Merv" slips away from us... 

Feeling like a burden...

I've always been able to reach and touch "HOPE"... Scary feeling tonight; I reached for it, and it wasn't there... am I going crazy?!?

At present my medication is not working. I'm at the maximum dosage of sinemet and comtan. I'm unable to sleep more than 2 hrs at a time...  more "off" periods than "on"... and experience almost constant stiffness and immobility... all this I can handle, IF bundled with HOPE...

Please God, don't take my mind before you take the rest... 

"Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive.  Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible." Oswald Chambers

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" Job 13:15

"I say this with care, but I wonder if a fierce, insistent desire for a miracle - - even a physical healing - sometimes betrays a lack of faith rather than an abundance of it. When yearning for a miraculous resolution to a problem, do we make our loyalty to God contingent on whether he reveals himself yet again in the seen world?" Phillip Yancey

JOY IN THE RAIN...

LITTLE BRAIN THOTS
I have few childhood memories stronger than listening to a certain children's recording entitled Let's Fly to the Moon.  This memory dates back to somewhere in the mid 1960's... before text messaging, iPods, or ear buds... before high speed internet, DVD's, CD's, or cassette tapes.  It was the era of the 33 and 1/3 record, and I had just received one as a gift... it was mine!

I've been looking for this album
for years... finally found this copy
on eBay for $1.00!

I remember sitting for hours, 
memorizing each line as I played 
it over and over again... 

all the while etching the fresh images permanently on my mind's canvas.  
Stories of Pinocchio, Peter Pan... 
and my favorite, 
 
The Monkey Who Wanted to Fly

"One day in the park, the girls and the boys, could hear a most pitiful cry.  
And who do you think
was making that noise?  
A monkey who wanted to fly!

I try to make wings, from all sorts of things,
I flap them and aim for the sky,
I make the right sound, and zoom off the ground,
but I crash for I can't seem to fly!

Well Tony you see, was partners with me,

a fine hurdy gurdy he'd play.

And I would hold up, my little tin cup,

we made a fine living that way.

Then Tony said he, could do without me,
although I shall never know why.
So here on the limb, I cry about him,
for what monkey business have I?

We'll come every day, we'll sing and we'll play,

and help you pretend it's old times.

You'll hold your tin cup, and we'll fill it up

with pennies and nickels and dimes.

And then one thing more, we'll go to the store,

a toy hurdy-gurdy to buy.

And you'll be our pet.  We're glad that we met

a monkey who wanted to fly!

Even to this day, all I need to do is shut my eyes, start the memorized lines, recall the pictures... and I'm there once again...

 

But, just like in Peter Pan, I grew up...  Well, as we all find out eventually, adult life can be very tough... as if struggles within the normal roles in marriage, parenting, and one's career are not enough, pain, disease, and death are lurking around every corner... it WILL suck the joy out of you in a flash... BUT, ONLY IF YOU LET IT!

BIG BRAIN THOTS
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." (Neh 8:10). Where do saints get their joy? If we did not know some Christians well, we might think from just observing them that they have no burdens at all to bear. But we must lift the veil from our eyes. The fact that the peace, light and joy of God is in the is proof that a burden is there as well. The burden that God places on us squeezes the grapes in our lives and produces wine, but most of us only see the wine and not the burden. No power on earth or in hell can conquer the spirit of God living within the living spirit; it creates an inner invincibility. If your life is only producing a whine and not a wine, then ruthlessly kick it out. It is definitely a crime for a Christian to be weak in God's strength." - Oswald Chambers

"Christians rejoice even while they truly sorrow - - because their rejoicing is in the hope of heaven....While joy overcomes sorrow, it does not put an end to it." - John Calvin

"When was the last time you laughed for the sheer joy of your salvation? People are not attracted to somber doctrines. There is no persuasive power in a gloomy and morbid religion. Let the world see your joy and you won't be able to keep them away. To be filled with God is to be filled with joy" -  Anonymous

"The most valuable thing the Psalms do for me is to express the same delight in God which made David dance." C. S. Lewis

"It is an unfortunate thing for the Christian to be melancholy. If there is any man in the world that has a right to have a bright, clear face and a flashing eye, it is the man whose sins are forgiven him, who is saved with God's salvation." - Charles Spurgeon

"Your sorrow itself shall be turned into joy. Not the sorrow to be taken away, and joy to be put in it's place, but the very sorrow which now grieves you shall be turned into joy. God not only takes away the bitterness and gives sweetness in it's place, but turns the bitterness into sweetness itself." - Charles Spurgeon (on John 16:33)

"Sorrow for sin should be the keenest sorrow; joy in the Lord should be the loftiest joy. - Charles Spurgeon (on Phillipians 4:4)

I'm hoping that my good looks will get me into heaven!

As a matter of fact I'm so good looking that the other day I found women young and old, STARING AT ME...

I'm obvious eye candy to most women these days (yet, I'm not sure why their small children started crying as they saw me approach!)



Dream on Merv...






Seriously, here is the truth about me...




I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them

No sooner did they speak those words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment

Because I know the heart inside this man
And I know the truth of who I am

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I'll live long enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised

Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise

Oh but you'd see the work his grace has done
And you'd know just how far I've come

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I'll live long enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

And in a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life and see in perfect light

Yeah, yeah, the only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know yeah

The only thing that's good in me is yeah
The only thing that's good in me is yeah
I know me well enough to know no matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is, yeah, is Jesus
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Is Jesus the only way to Heaven?

Turning Grumbling into Groaning...

LITTLE BRAIN THOTS 
Yesterday, Dorrie and I went to our appointment with Dr. Newman to see if he could sort out my amino acid /meds to find a maintainable state. It is such a balancing act with no real "balance" ever reached. After an hour of discussion of blood tests and symptoms he adjusted things, added this and that, and of course, gave me the hefty bill for his time.  ;-)

Last night was the worst off period I've ever had...  It began at midnight, when "Parks" woke me up and demanded some medicine.  (I told him that I'd rather sleep, but I knew he'd continue to pester me until I listened.)  My entire body was numb, especially my arms and legs...  I concentrated all the brain power I had... just to move.  Very slowly (using my arms as feeble cranes) I dropped one leg at a time over the edge of the bed, and shuffled (as best I could) over to take my meds.  From there, it took me 20-30 minutes to get dressed...  stumbled downstairs, and exhausted, slumped into the embrace of my favorite chair.  

And there I sat... 

The worst time for me is when I start to dwell on how unproductive "Parks" makes me... but, I've discovered that the best way to beat that mind game is to pray for you!  By getting my mind off my life; by looking around and seeing the real-life struggles of others... well, I'm often move to tears and always compelled to pray (and every time by praying for you, I find the grace to trust God for my fears.)  

But last night's "off" was so "off", that all my mind could do was picture some of your faces... and then... groan!  I couldn't type... I couldn't talk or even think clearly...  but, I could bring up mental images of many of you and your various needs and... groan! Yet, I had a sense that prayer was still happening. This morning, I'm reminded of Romans 8:26, but now, with a deeper appreciation! 

... the Spirit intercedes for the saints
according to the will of God. (Rom 8:27)

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
(Romans 8:26-27 ESV)

BIG BRAIN THOTS 

"Our prayer must not be self-centered. It must arise not only because we feel our own need as a burden we must lay upon God, but also because we are so bound up in love for our fellow men that we feel their need as acutely as our own. To make intercession for men is the most powerful and practical way in which we can express our love for them." - John Calvin

"We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties." - Oswald Chambers

"The battle of prayer is against two things in the earthlies: wandering thoughts, and lack of intimacy with God's character as revealed in His word. Neither can be cured at once, but they can be cured by discipline." - Oswald Chambers

Copy and Paste...

Getting back to the basics... Believe and Suffer?

Philippians 1:27-30 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.

Clara, comforting a newborn goat.

Little Brain Thots:

Throughout the day (and especially at nite) I ponder, pray, read, and research the words of others who have suffered much more than I have or and likely ever will... their insightful words often bowl me over; for they encourage me to press on... I simply share their words by copy and paste... often, it is physically impossible for me to do much more that that.

I'm beginning to see that ALL who are called by Christ WILL suffer with Him...without it, we are shallow, fair-weather followers indeed. But the wonderful news is that true peace and joy are EVENTUALLY discovered by all who endure to the end... and when I see my own heart compelled to prefer my painful present condition with Christ instead of what this world and it's pleasures could offer without Christ... well, that blows my mind also!

Big Brain Thots: 
"When trial or tragedy strikes... when the storms of adversity beat on us, it will be the foundations of our life that will sustain and enable us to endure. As with Job, so faith and righteusness will decide the outcome of life's testings." Henry Gariepy (Portraits of Perseverance)

"If the first mark of a true and living church is love, the second is suffering. The one is naturally consequent on the other. A willingness to suffer proves the genuineness of love." John Stott

Searching for former Glory…

Why do we so often long to return to the past?

Ezra 3:11-13 And all the people shouted with a great shout when they praised the LORD, because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid. But many of the priests and Levites and heads of fathers' houses, old men who had seen the first house, wept with a loud voice when they saw the foundation of this house being laid, though many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people's weeping, for the people shouted with a great shout, and the sound was heard far away.

Little Brain Thots:

Many of us have cherished moments from our past forever engrained into our memories. (I remember one particular family vacation as a child at Earock Lake... the warmth of the sun on my back and my toes digging into the cool sand... ahhh, not a care in the world...)  

Isn't it funny... at any moment, a song on the radio or the whiff of freshly baked bread can unlock the time-machine of our memories and transport us to a time or place where we felt safe, content, or happy. Yet, I find that even these memories, as wonderful as they are, will hold me prisoner if I allow myself to longingly look back, and then to grumble under my present lot. This loss of focus WILL rob me of my joy today if I fail to see wonderful memories for what they are... temporal examples; signposts of the eternal happiness, peace, and joy which awaits all of us who continuously set our eyes upward... 

2 Corinthians 5:5-8. (The Message) The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less. That's why we live with such good cheer... It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.

Big Brain Thots:

"He did not die to make this life easy for us or prosperous. He died to remove every obstacle to our everlasting joy in making much of Him. And He calls us to follow Him in his sufferings, because this life of joyful sufferings for Jesus sake shows that He is more valuable than all the earthly rewards that the world lives for."  John Piper
 

"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." CS Lewis

Pride

Am I too proud to use a wheelchair? 

May my motto today be "God is enough"!

Little Brain and PD

We both heard the diagnosis at the same time.  Dorrie and I were seeing yet another Doctor in our quest for what we'd hoped was a simple answer to some annoying symptoms.  This time it was a Neurologist.  "I think you have Parkinson's Disease."

My reaction... "Cool, this sounds like a fun challenge..." (to myself, of course)

Dorrie's reaction?  She became immediately ill... struggling to stay conscious as waves of nausea poured over her.  "Maybe," I thought, "I won't tell her about the 'fun challenge' part right now..."

A STEP BACK IN TIME

I was a very good athlete.  Basketball was the game, and I was strong, agile, and competitive to the core.  In High School, I lead the entire league in scoring.  And with this accomplishment in hand, I was able to negotiate two athletic scholarships, almost completely covering my college tuition.  And, to top it all off, I was voted "Campus Clown" in my second year... people liked me... 

To be continued... (for now, off to bed!)

____________________

It is difficult for me to write about my struggle with Parkinson's Disease.  It currently is a terminal neurological disease with no known cure.  It has robbed me of much of my day to day strength... and I can see that I'm losing ground fast.  However, in many ways "Parks" (as nicknamed by Dorrie) has turned out to be a great friend and teacher.  Sitting in his class and listening to his lectures year after year has matured me as I've come to better know myself through suffering.