Friday, October 29, 2010

Get up Morpheus, get up!

So you may have heard by now... We are scheduling for Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) and stem cell harvesting as early as December 9th...  almost there, yet something about me is wrong; very wrong...
I'm told that my progressive
PD symptoms will eventually
push family and friends away...
Something has snapped... Something deep inside... Hard to express... but it feels very dark and lonely... a place of grieving and loss... I'm so grieved at the loss of feeling like "me"... grieved at not being able to serve you, my family and friends as I so desire...

I'm weak... and I feel it's toll on who I am... with great pain and sorrow, we all watch in disbelief as "Merv" slips away from us... 

Feeling like a burden...

I've always been able to reach and touch "HOPE"... Scary feeling tonight; I reached for it, and it wasn't there... am I going crazy?!?

At present my medication is not working. I'm at the maximum dosage of sinemet and comtan. I'm unable to sleep more than 2 hrs at a time...  more "off" periods than "on"... and experience almost constant stiffness and immobility... all this I can handle, IF bundled with HOPE...

Please God, don't take my mind before you take the rest... 

"Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive.  Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible." Oswald Chambers

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" Job 13:15

"I say this with care, but I wonder if a fierce, insistent desire for a miracle - - even a physical healing - sometimes betrays a lack of faith rather than an abundance of it. When yearning for a miraculous resolution to a problem, do we make our loyalty to God contingent on whether he reveals himself yet again in the seen world?" Phillip Yancey


  1. Hang in there Merv. It sounds like a very deep, dark night of the soul, especially when one doesn't "feel" or "experience" hope. Jesus' strange and disturbing words come to mind, "my God, my God, why have your forsaken me?" Who knows exactly what Jesus' horrible and monumental experience was at this point. Yet not forsaken or abandoned. May God's grace and presence and healing touch be near you.


  2. Love you dad, praying for you. Peace and joy and no vacuuming are our hope ;) .

  3. Praying your prayers will be answered Merv. I cannot imagine but yes I can in some small way what you must be going through, though my heart and mind wrench away because of its darkness. But Jesus never wrenches away. He holds you fast to Himself. He cradles you fast in His arms. When our heart and flesh fail us. When we have no strength. He who knows the turning away of the face of God will never turn away from the one He loves.

    We lift you before the Father in a chorus of prayer today brother. As I write this I am reminded how hollow even these words can sound when hope is not found and has seemed to vanish. I pray that God will have mercy and hold you fast and keep you able to hope! And may it be as Jesus prayed for His disciples...that you would have faith that would not fail.

    With much love,

  4. Re: "Push family and friends away" - Can we make a deal, you and me? If I ever end up to where I can't talk, can you just call me on the phone and talk to me .. and I'll listen? And I'll do the same for you. Sorry, but there is no getting rid of me. <3